30 things every Woman Should Have and should know by the time she's 30...yeeeeeaaaah right.

So, I found this absolute "treasure" that's been going around as "good" advice.  Another list that women have to live up to or we're not "successful" or something...  Here's the article and my responses will be in red:

In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30." The list, written by Pamela Redmond Satran, was so popular that women started emailing it around, misattributing it to various female luminaries including Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton. Noting what a phenomenon it had become, the editors of Glamour created a book around it, featuring essays from (mostly) famous women on each of the items on the list. The book, released today, includes meditations from Katie Couric on work and love, Portia de Rossi on accepting your body, and one from the list's original author, who is also a Huffington Post blogger, on how to live alone.
Because the list still makes us so, so happy (oh yes, I'm JUMPING for joy.  I love impossible standards to live up to!), we asked Glamour's permission to reprint it here:
By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. (Who CARES?  I personally don't WANT a boyfriend I can imagine going back to.  How would help me in ANY way with my current relationship.  Beats me...not to mention the angst you "evidentally" have to feel if you don't date men or haven't had a boyfriend by 30...)
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.  (Yes, because my success is calculated by my furniture...)
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. (The EMPLOYER of my dreams?  WTF?  I don't plan any outfits for my employers.  I wear something nice.  This is considered ESSENTIAL to know by age 30.  Give me a break.)
 4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. (Yes, because I'm so ASHAMED when I carry a servicable umbrella that isn't stylish...heck I don't own an umbrella.  I'm such a FAILURE.)
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.  (Ok, whatever.  *yawn*)
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.  (and if you don't have any juicy sordid details in your past, well then you'll just have NOTHING to tell anybody after 30...)
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.  (Do people at 30 suddenly realize they won't die young or something?  And, NEWS FLASH, 30 isn't that old.  Sure, save for retirement, but money for funding "old age".  For what?  Plastic surgery and face cream?  I'm sorry, I'm a little more secure about myself than that.)
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.  (While probably a good idea, I doubt this is really something people need to be reminded to do before 30.)
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.  (And if you're a SAHM that hasn't been into the work force yet, you fail at this one evidentally...)
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.  (Ok, it's a little specific, but if they mean have friends, then I would hope you do by age 30...)
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.  (I suck at life.  I don't have a black lace bra.  I'm a horrible person.  Shoot me.)
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.  (And if you're poor or on a budget, then you just haven't worked hard enough!)
13. The belief that you deserve it.  (That all depends on what the "it" is...)
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.  (Does washing one's face in the shower count as a skincare regimen?  :P  And, yes, women after 30 need constant reminders that life "doesn't get better after 30".  Because normally we're taught to be SOOOO optimistic about aging.  WTH...I plan on not being manically depressed after 29, tyvm)
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.  (And if you're NOT in a relationship or you are a SAHM, you fail at life...)

By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.  (Who says everyone needs to fall in love to live fulfilling successful lives?)
2. How you feel about having kids.  (Yes, cause you know after 29, you no longer get a choice about this and you definitely CANNOT change your mind...that would be too realistic...)
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.  (Unless of course you actually have liked all your jobs, don't date men/don't date, and have friends that are decent enough you don't have to confront.)
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.  (Ok, generic enough I'll take it, though by age 30?)
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.  (Learning to kiss is a.  hardly essential and b. a lifelong sort of thing IF you date.)
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.  (Really?  This is just silly.  Who is going to know if you don't fulfill these requirements?  And I, I get my pants hemmed at the place down the street, not the "best place in town".)
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.  (If you live alone, this shouldn't be a problem, you've already figured it out.  Shouldn't people need to know how to live in whatever situation they're in?)
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.  (Ok, this one is fine.)
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.  (How about the fact that you shouldn't care about these things in general?  Or that it's a little silly to put in a list of "essentials"?)
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.  (Ummmm, ok.  Some people may have enjoyed their childhoods you know.  And, most 30 year olds would know its over...most 18 year olds would too.)
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.  (Things change.  What you would and wouldn't do isn't set in stone, and probably shouldn't be.)
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.  (Actually, some people get away with not flossing all the time...and drinking, and smoking, and doing drugs...A call for moderation would be much better advice and even then.)
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.  (Once again, things change as we age.  People change.  You don't need to have this one figured out by age 30.  That's just silly.)
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.  (Hopefully you've learned this earlier than 29!)
15. Why they say life begins at 30  (Life begins at birth.  Enjoy life regardless of your age.)

What's on your personal list of things to have and know -- and possibly do -- before turning 30?

Clearly, this author thinks that all women date men (and if they don't, are somehow unworthy), are terrified of getting older, have a low self-esteem, are all part of the upper middle class or higher, and care mostly about trivial, pointless things (hello flossing and furniture, so UBER important! *rolls eyes*).  And why are things really that essential by age 30?  Really?  Does anyone NEED to know how many kids they want and have a man already?  Just having a list for all women to check off to make sure they're successful is pretty lame.  Do we really need to prescribe pointless checklists that all women need to check off in order to make themselves feel better or worse about their personal success?

Here's my list of much more practical things to worry about than the above:
1.  Women, throw all the lists that other people made out with the garbage.  Each of us is a unique individual with our own list for success.  Success is not determined by anyone other than yourself.

2.  You are NOT defined by whether you have a man or not (despite almost everyone telling you that it matters, it really doesn't), whether you floss or not, or your furniture.  You are ONLY defined by what you choose to define yourself by and if someone doesn't think so, then tell them to get a life.

3.  Friends are a biggy.  Make them, keep them.

4.  Do what makes you happy and fulfilled in life, regardless of how society might view you.

5.  Do what you need to to be healthy, which may or may not be the same things as what other people do to be healthy.

6.  Do your best to make decisions throughout your life that will not leave you with regrets.

7.  Feel free to disregard the first 6 if these things do not seem good enough for you.  I will not judge you either way.  :)


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read:  The Gospel of Mary of Magdala
taste:  chai tea latte
see:  a cloudy day
hear: my students working on a worksheet.  (I've been adding little by little to this as I walk by while making my rounds :P) 
smell:  Chai
touch:  a very nice keyboard (easy to press keys)
think:  that women place waaaaay too many trivial standards upon each other...
feel:  cold.  We had an impromptu 1 hour long emergency evacuation.  Not sure what for yet.  I'll ask around at lunch.  Maybe there will be a second post today...
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In the cat house...

The cat is in the cat house...

During the night she peed on one of my black leather boots.  And then proceeded to use her claws to knead the leather (like she would do in her catbox to the cat litter).  So, I have some minor tears in the leather now...

I didn't realize said boot was stinky until AFTER I arrived a work and I arrived late, so I did not have time to try and scrub out the smell till the afternoon.  I just hope nobody else realized the faint waft of cat pee coming from me.

I threw it in the wash and it had better be smelling fresh as a daisy if kitty wants any sort of leniency.

For the record, I have NO idea why she did such a thing.  She was pretty restless last night and just felt like going wherever she wanted. Maybe she didn't like her cat litter.  Who knows.  All I know is that kitty is not in my good graces today.  :(

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read: Cold Magic
taste: buttered, salted yellow squash, mmmm
see: my hubby watching a rather violent new show...blech
hear: kitty meowing, as per usual
smell: squash
touch: fuzzy socks within fuzzy slippers
think: that the cat is very annoying
feel:  annoyed (could you tell?)
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Women, mothers, babies...

I read a lot of baby/mommy/pregnancy/TTC blogs.  I love reading all the perspectives and ideas that women have as they navigate a very important time in their life, the journey towards becoming a parent and then being a parent.  I also read some daddy blogs (which are awesome, wish there were more).

Anyway, one thing that is simply hard to avoid is the fact that women are in competition with each other.  We've been pitted against each other ever since birth.  This reality comes to a head when it comes to pregnancy, birth and parenting.

When a blogger posts about their desires for a natural birth, other women comment "en force" about how she probably won't get it and won't want it, and will want an epidural, and how the hospital won't agree to this or that, and how the doctors and nurses won't agree, and how they "hope" that if she doesn't get what she wants, that she has the "grace" to accept whatever is safest.

When a blogger posts about how they want a C-section, other women comment "en force" about how its major surgery and how crappy she'll feel and how she shouldn't "want" a C-section, and how she'll miss out on her kid's birth, and how she'll regret it later and on and on.

Why can't women be each other's advocates?  Why can't we support each other and help each other?  We must we be condescending and know-it-all about other people's decisions about birthing/children?  Will their children die or be seriously maimed if they're fed food at 5.5 months, or are fed formula, or are born in a house?  No.

Women, seriously, get a grip!  You are NOT an expert on pregnancy, birthing, or child-rearing EXCEPT for your own family.  When it comes to other people, no, you really don't have it all figured out.  Every person is different, responds to different things, wants different things, needs different things.  Your way is NOT the only way and you have no right to tell other women what they will respond to, want, and need.  You can only speak for yourself with any credibility.

There's nothing wrong with women wanting a hospital birth, or with women who want to formula feed, or who breastfeed in public.  What is important is that women be heard about their needs and desires and that we all support them in deciding what is best for themselves and their families.

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read: a hair magazine
taste: macaroni with peas
see:  kitty loving on her new hairbrush
hear: Micah's comments about the pro-bowl game
smell: clean laundry
touch: my neck, trying to keep my finger warm
think: people need to not tear other people down
feel:  a lil frustrated
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My causes

I read this interesting article the other day found here.  It basically is a researcher highlighting male gender socialization.  When people are asked about the attributes of "real men", here's the box of typical results that ensues.  (WARNING, some of the information below near the bottom of the box is sexually explicit, so skip past it.)

Tall	Strong	Muscular
25-45 years old	Able-bodied	Heterosexual
Cisgender	Competitive	Dominant
Cop	Firefighter	Mechanic
Lawyer	Business Man	CEO
Caretaker	Competent	Leader
Drinks	Watches & plays sports	Play poker with his buddies
Doesn’t show emotions other than anger, excitement	Stoic	Violent
Always wants sex	Has lots of sexual partners	Sex is about scoring
Has a big penis	Gets hard when he wants	Stays hard
Gives his partner an orgasm (or multiple orgasms)	Ejaculates when he wants to	Sex is focused on intercourse, blow jobs (receiving), possible anal (giving)

Wheeee
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OK, ITS SAFE NOW.  (Though it's really not the bad, I promise.)

Anyone, basically, US society teaches or socializes men to believe that they must perform in certain ways (ways included in the box to be real men).  While many of the items are not really necessarily bad, many are downright troubling and some are so specific, they aren't really attainable by the average man anyway.  I will concede that a few are good attributes, but some men simple aren't born leaders or whatever. What especially troubles me is that a "real man" is violent, only shows the emotions anger/excitement, and is stoic.  Basically, "real men" are ticking bombs with big muscles that lack any sort of empathy, not to mention an unreasonable and unhealthy view of sex. 

Is it any wonder domestic violence is so prevalent?

Just a couple days after reading this article, I finally looked up the details about a colleagues death over the holidays.  At WHS, a fellow teacher died and I received an email without any details that she has passed away on Christmas Day.  Very very sad.  Then,  I found out that she had been killed.  Her ex had seen another man's car in her driveway and had confronted her outside her house.  They had "words" and then he punched her in the head.  He's a bodybuilder and therefore he fractured her skull and she died the next day from serious head trauma.  He drove off before ascertaining her condition.  Now, I don't think he actually intended to hit her to kill.  But, it could very well be that his go-to emotion (or only) was anger and "real men" respond with violence right?  He's being tried with 2nd degree murder.

This inspiring and spunky teacher had no reason to die.  And I can't help but wonder if society didn't try and squash all men into the "box" if things would've turned out differently for Prudence.  Perhaps, perhaps not, but I hope that we are not all naive enough to think that the "box" doesn't have a pretty big influence on the number of domestic violence incidents.

Anyway, this all segways into my causes.  I am a feminist.  I believe in equal rights for women.  One of the reasons I believe in fighting for true equality is because if women are treated as equals, we can allow men to be themselves as well.  They will no longer have to strive to fit into a box in order to not be teased or abused themselves.  The traditional distinctions between men and women would diminish, making it so more women can be CEOs and leaders if they choose and more men to be sincere about their emotions and needs as human beings. I also believe that if equality of the sexes is achieved, this will also greatly reduce the abuse of other groups of society, especially children, some of the most vulnerable and exploited human beings on the planet.  Also, all those who are different from the norm with be treated with dignity and respect, such as LGBTIQ people, and intersex people, and disabled people, and people of ethnic minorities.  I do my best to promote all of these causes, not just feminism, but I recognize that oppression of any form intersects with all other types of oppression.  Ending one greatly increases the chances of ending the others.

I am feminist.  I am against all forms of oppression.   I believe as I believe for people like Prudence.

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read: This Common Secret My journey as an abortion doctor by Susan Wicklund.
taste: A hot buttered drink ;)
see: A clean apartment, thx love. :D
hear: Micah's character conversations on SWTOR (computer game).
smell: pumpkin spice candle
touch: Micah's hugs after a long trying day dealing with our loss at WHS.
think: All the people out there being oppressed for things they cannot change.
feel: Better, now that I've spilled some of my guts.
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My thoughts exactly...

This blogger mommy says it well:

http://gagadiaries.com/post/12557990637/why-are-we-still-beating-our-kids

I don't plan on spanking our future kids, or hitting them with wooden spoons, or hitting them with any object or body part anywhere on their bodies.  It doesn't matter if it doesn't really hurt, it doesn't matter if I explain why I'm hitting them before or after misbehavior, it doesn't matter.  I will not use any sort of violence on a vulnerable child in order to scare them into a temporary behavior adjustment.  No, I plan on teaching my kids how to even discipline themselves and make good choices on their own.  Hitting simply doesn't teach this, so why use it?

Discipline is not about appearances, it is about holding a child accountable in humane ways and then guiding them into better behaviors with reason, natural consequences, and example.

If you are a parent who hits your child, you're taking the easy, less-effective way out.  Do your research and employ better methods. 

The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees with me:  http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;101/4/723

That is all.

Just a twinge of a rant . . .

One of my blogs that I follow is going through a tough time. She has to do IVFs in order to get pregnant and is trying for her second child. The first IVF here recently did not work, which devastated her. She's clearly one who gets joy out of life by being a mother, so it's no wonder how hurt she must be that her body is not cooperating. Anyway, she posted recently with a quote she liked and I wanted to just give my thoughts on it. It is as follows:

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better."

Now, knowing her story, I understand completely where she is coming from. She has been given a road that makes her more likely to appreciate her children when she finally gets them. BUT, I don't think she has a right to compare her mothering with mommies who do not need IVF etc. to get pregnant. Mothering skills are not defined by whether or not you need medical help to get pregnant. It made me kind of feel for all the mothers out there who did not have to struggle physically to get pregnant, but yet are some of the best moms I know. Each mom has a completely different and unique experience. Some have trouble getting pregnant, some are extremely sick while pregnant, some go through PPD after the birth, there are so many situations in our daily lives that help us appreciate our little ones once we've overcome difficult situations. Going through IVF is not the magic catalyst that makes you a "better" mother. Strong individuals who love unconditionally make good mothers, and going through IVF may or may not indicate that you are that sort of individual.

I believe that this young women IS a strong mother who loves unconditionally, and has taken her set-backs hard, for good reason. But, I almost wish she realized that she is a good mother because she's ready and able to love like a parent needs to and not because of any difficult situations that she's had to go through.

I would rephrase her quote to:  "My experience has made me a better mother" without comparing herself to those who she considers luckier than her.

And for all the mothers out there who I know and love, you are a good mother because that's who you were intended to be and no difficult situation or dilemma or hurdle can change that.

Scheduling fail!

Oh my goodness! Here's what happened today:

I got up at 6am, went to work at 7:15, rushed to a team meeting that I ended up being almost 10 minutes late for and it was "gently" hinted that we should all work at being on time . . . etc. etc. Then I rushed over to another special meeting with elective teachers and the principal. (Made it there on time at least) I do ALL my printing for the week, set up my classroom and start doing odds and ends that need to be done in the classroom. All of a sudden, I realize that my chilluns are taking an inordinate amount of time getting to class, in fact, the 2nd period bell hasn't even rung and it's almost 10am.

And then I remember, there is NO 2nd period today, or 4th or 6th. I don't teach today! *sigh* I didn't have to come at all, I didn't have to go to the morning meetings, I didn't have to set up for class, I didn't have to get up at 6am.

And then as I drive home, I realize why the teacher across the hall was looking at me funny, and I remember thinking about the schedule change the Thurs. before, etc. etc.

Scheduling fail . . .